I like the post very much; this is something that I've been trying to deal with for my entire "dating" life, and as far as I'm concerned this desire to have a label has been a major sticking point.

My experience has been with woman (FWIW), and my experience has been that if I don't put a label on what's going on, the other person can't put it down, it becomes a big issue, and time with that person gets more and more filled with emotionally charged conversations intended to "figure things out". I've been told more times than I can remember that I must have a fear of commitment.

Maybe people can be divided into journeyers and architects. My feelings have always been that when we're together we'll enjoy what we enjoy, don't do what we don't want to do, and get together again when we feel the urge. This is *incredibly* frustrating for someone who's got blueprints in their head and are looking for "fits". IMHO, labels are good for up-front comfort levels, but I've never known anyone who didn't run into dissonance issues down the road when all of a sudden something happens to reveal that people have (and always have) very different ideas about what goes into the labels they've chosen. I don't have a problem with the concept of labels being used to aid in communication and understanding, but it's very easy for us to turn that around and start judge ourselves or the other by how well we or they "represent" that label, sometimes turning the wonderful quirks that make us all ourselves into defects and failures.

"monkey-mind" now, there is an example of a fun label. And what a fun read your blog post was. Yes we do like language ("monkey-chatter"? heehee) and it is part of how we connect with each other. How we connect our ideas and feelings. Of course, there is that other language.. of body language, of course, which speaks volumes - as in the "looking at them" is part of this, and even a little bit of that sharing silence... one can really tune in in other ways as well.

What kept coming back into my mind the whole read, is what is attractive is in how we connect with another. It is sort of this meta-physical-chemistry thing that is so hard to explain.

I ended up pondering what really is attractive to me.. and a standard response I give is "the mind" because honestly, I am happiest when connecting on an intellectual level. But I have been attracted to people that really lacked this (and thus the reason such a relationship eventually ends) but I was drawn to their emotional intensity. And this is so contradictory, because it confuses me in that I can be both attracted and repulsed at the same time by it. But in the end, even the passionately exuberant need to be able to talk - and there the mind comes in again. So yeah...language is important, and having compatibility in communication is so of the mind. And after a while... you start to get to the point where some times you actually know what the other one is thinking when they don't even have to say it. That works alright!

Now what you want to really hear... the unlabeling ... "getting hung up on a label and all the expectations that go along with it" I think any label is limiting. I don't want to play any specific role all the time, maybe for a little while. But the expectations that outsiders have always do seem to intrude. I always just say things about diversity and how all one can really EXPECT from me is for me to be who I am and do what I feel is right for me.

There will always be generalizations and there will always be individuals who don't fit the generalized label.

Personally, I eschew labels in my relationships.. there are the easy ones that I just pick out for ease of expression to others... friends, close friends, lovers. And I refuse to have but one favorite. The only Favorite I have is my partner, that is like saying they have the greatest portion of my heart. But there are plenty of labels that I have tried and they just failed me completely. Pick whatever works for you, I think that is best.

I am starting to prefer a world with no labels myself, but it makes
getting oriented to a group seriously more complicated at first.
If people are empowered enough as individuals to say "No,
that's not my thing" when approached with something that
crosses their personal boundaries, then it's not as important.
And if people are open enough to make their sexual preferences
known, with or without labels, then it isn't so confusing to others.

As I become more aware I become less able to label things so
not having a label pretty much goes without saying, and it feels
right.

Hmmm. Attraction: scent, how someone moves, what kind of eye contact they make ....

Hello all.

Wow, I can't believe I didn't see this tribe before! My name is Andy, I've never felt entirely comfortable with labeling relationships, even back when I was in relationships where I attempted to apply the "girlfriend" label to someone for the sake of easing the fear so many seem to have of going typeless, as Jovan mentioned. I've had several of those "emotionally charged discussions" that exeleven mentioned. After many of those, I've come to realize that my whole model of relationships is more about verbs than nouns, which seems pretty similar to what Amy was getting at in her blog post. I just don't think in terms of "relationships of type T." To me it's more like "I feel comfortable doing this activity with this person, that activity with that person..." etc. and the closest I usually get to labeling now is to call people "friends"--not "just" or "more than" friends, but...friends, without a qualifier. I guess I can't escape labels entirely since language use kind of does involve labeling concepts, but the standard ranking system used in dating-speak ("just" friends, "more than" friends, friends with "benefits," etc.) makes a lot of assumptions that aren't true of me or people with whom I relate well.

Anyway...I'm glad to be here and looking forward to reading what others have to say.

Peace,
--Andy